The difference is I lie for a reason

I have been going through small challenges these past few months and I had a breakdown for a while back and I felt a little better yesterday. Today, I force myself to be in a room of people, familiar and unfamiliar.

I guess this is the best way for me to de-stress myself. 

The moderator gave us a phrase and we were free to write about anything that we wanted to. Time given to write was 10 minutes. 

The prompt was : “The difference is I lie for a reason”

It must have been 15 years since I have came back to this place. I never thought of it as my home. I never thought of it as a place that I can take comfort in. There was no reason for me to come back here anyways.

Every one here thought of me as the perfect daughter. The one who could handle anything under the sky. No one have ever given me the benefit to even show them that I am too a human with normal emotions.

I had my guard up my whole life. I had to. I had to keep my emotion to myself. It broke me. It broke me immediately once I broke out of the self made shell I made for myself in the years I tried to please everyone else.

Now that it’s broken, I still have to paste it on once I go to the place I call home. To the place that I was thought to have comfort in. I have to build it up to face the people that I was supposed to feel safe with. The people who was supposed to protect me.

Every time I meet a new person, I am a different person. I am too many different person that my own brain cannot contain me anymore. Yet, it was what kept me going. It was the only sane thing that I could do now.

I have to be the perfect daughter what other sought me to be.